Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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