maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
