best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
