The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
