I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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