after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My vagina is officially offended.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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