I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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