Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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