She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Fuck appropriateness.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
