Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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