96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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