I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
