I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
sarcasm needs its own font
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
