I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
