I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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