I cannot find my penis.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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