She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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