Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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