he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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