We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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