I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
