I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
