yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
