I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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