nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
