don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
