Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Is Oprah even human
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
