Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize