I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
