I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's no shave November. This is our time.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
