We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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