why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Come see our sink grown plant.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
