I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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