onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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