Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
