I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
