Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
