cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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