I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
