i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
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