i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
you inspire me to be a worse person
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
