I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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