I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
