Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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