I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
