Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
