My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she smelled like a LAN party
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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