I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
