Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
