you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
