I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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