I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
