the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
