3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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