So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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