my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
