sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
People in love make me want to vomit
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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