Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
