dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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