community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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