and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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