Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
