I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
