Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
