I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
