There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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