u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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