I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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