Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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