I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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