I like my sex mixed with concussions.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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