i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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